Mock Filet Mignon Bearnaise

It’s amazing what you can do with a few simple kitchen tricks. Make this recipe exactly, and you’ll find that it looks, tastes, and has the aroma of a prime filet mignon with bearnaise made by a classically-trained French chef.

  • Steak:
  • 1 cup bread crumbs
  • 1 bunch broccoli, stems only
  • 1 1/2 bananas, very ripe
  • Seven red grapes with seeds
  • 6 Tbs. margarine
  • 1/2 cup red wine
  • 3 oz. American cheese
  • 1 small can chunk light tuna
  • 1 beef bouillon cube

  • Sauce:
  • 1 Tbs. yellow mustard
  • 2 Tbs. any green herb
  • 1/4 cup Mountain Dew
  • 1 tsp. sea salt, the most expensive you can find
  • 1/2 cup crawfish fat

  • 2 Tbs. unsalted butter
  • Paprika to taste

1. Combine the steak ingredients in a food processor and run until it becomes a smooth but firm paste. With your hands, for into a filet mignon shape. Coat with a thin layer of the pate de foie gras. Bake for 2 hours in a 200-degree oven.

2. Meanwhile, make the sauce by combining all the sauce ingredients in a blender. Pour into a small saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until it reaches a sauce consistency. Stir in the wasabi paste until well blended.

3. When the mock steaks have set, heat the butter in a skillet until it bubbles. Sear the steaks on both sides. Serve atop kale leaves topped with the sauce and garnished with the chopped oysters.

Serves twelve.

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