[dropcap1]Q. [/dropcap1]Since you seem to enjoy corny humor, Tom, I thought I'd start with such a joke before I get to what I really want to ask. Here goes: Have you heard there's a boulevard in Amsterdam called "Separate Checks?" Yeah. It's a Dutch street. (Say it out loud. No guarantees that will help, however.) Now to my point. My wife and I frequently dine with two couples. In each one of them is a person who insists that the checks must be completely separate, so at the end of the meal we know exactly how much each couple or (in one case) person spent. "I want to keep our friendship," says one of them, as if being forced to spend a few dollars more than the price of our meal will in any way diminish our camaraderie. I'm not asking whether separate checks are proper or good. I know they are, and I know they're not. I'm just wondering if you have a way to talk these skinflints out of their ungenerous ways without offending them. [dropcap1]A. [/dropcap1]Let's look first at the effect that separate checks have on the meal. Although computerized systems make this easier than it once was, it still messes up the kitchen's routine to have each person on a separate check. It makes it much harder to get all the entrees out at the same time, for example. Your nemesis will try to deny this is true, but it is. That's reason enough never to ask for separate checks. The way to divide the expense of the dinner is to get a single check, add the tip (always before continuing on), and then divide the total by the number of people at the table. It's not hard for the restaurant to put each portion of the bill on a separate credit card. And that's that. If your "friends" insist on doing it the hard way, the thing to do is grab the whole check and pay for everybody yourself. Say something like, "It's been too fine an evening for us to spoil it by trying to figure out who had the crawfish on top of the fish. You can catch it up next time." The fussbudgets will be mildly embarrassed, but unless they're serious moochers, they will get the whole check next time, and after that forget the nickel-and-dime nonsense. Either that, or you'll never see them again. And I love the joke, by the way.
